there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
