Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
