You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize