I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
wow bdsm is so cute
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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