Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
