I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
