no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
This is classic penis vs brain.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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