I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
