I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
