I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize