Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
And then my night got REAL pukey
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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