We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
