Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
