that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
