Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
