I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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