so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
