why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
