All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
