Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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