so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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