The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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