Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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