the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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