i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
