if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i think i have two assholes
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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