Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
