i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
