Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize