I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
