I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
