is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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