There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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