Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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