pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
