You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
