I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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