[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
