I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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