I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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