I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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