Sry I called you an 8
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
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