I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
