I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
