Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
