He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
