I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
