So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
