there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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