Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
