He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
