I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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