Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
