I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
