saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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