there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
