can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
