Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
