I need to stop coming to work sober
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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