she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
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