Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
