Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
