I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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