a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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