I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
