so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
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