Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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