capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
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