I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
i now understand why vodka
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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