Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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