I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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