You made me cry and you don't even care
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
