ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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