There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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