You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Please don't give away my fajitas
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
